I have an ultrasound today, and it’s my 20 week (but because of scheduling I’m having it at 22 weeks along)– and I am SO excited on so many levels. So excited to see her again, so happy to see how much she’s grown in the past 6 weeks since the last one. I am so proud of her and how far she’s come and how STRONG she is! This girl kicks me harder and way more frequently that I felt with Cammy, which could be because I can feel her quicker because of just having a baby not too long ago, but she is no doubt more active!
In private conversations all the time I talk to other women, mothers to be and mothers about tragedies that we hear about related to pregnancy, miscarrying, birth defects and newborn babies with health issues. Being connected via social media keeps us WAY more in tuned with what’s going on in so many people’s lives that we otherwise wouldn’t know anything about unless we had mutual friends we saw and spoke to more often, or just happened to run into them in the store, etc. This year, I have watched over ten women I know miscarry, three women have to have surgery because of losing their baby in the womb and two women deliver and lose their baby shortly after. I just couldn’t even get THROUGH that sentence without tearing up, and going back and rereading to make sure I wrote it correctly. My heart aches for these people who go through this incredible journey and then are stopped so abruptly because of nothing they did wrong or could have helped at all— it was just nature. They are sweet, too. All of them who spoke to me were so excited. SO over the moon for their news. Never complained about being pregnant, endured the symptoms and got excited like anyone would. After this heavy year with all of this news, I spent so many nights thinking about them as our pregnancy progressed healthily and felt guilty for having things go so right for us.
There is something about this group of brave women who have been through these hard times this year though. Something very different I’ve never seen before. Not only are they are all so incredibly strong, but on top of this— they are positive. They talk openly about their hard days, but they have outright mentioned in public that they are not mad, bitter or resentful of other people carrying healthy pregnancies. One of them who I admire SO deeply wrote something along the lines of “dear pregnant friends avoiding me, my loss (paraphrasing) is not your fault” — I can’t remember specifically but I thought wow, what an amazing selfless woman.
When I saw that status by the woman who endured a horrible tragedy during her pregnancy, I was like oh my gosh…she has just freed me of so many guilty feelings I have for doing well. Every single time I have witnessed a loss this year I thought, how can they get through this, how can they be so strong, and what did I do to deserve this pregnancy that’s been going so well, my second healthy one? What can I do for them!? I cry for them almost every time I see their names even pop up on Facebook but I can’t do anything. I made sure to not throw out “how to heal” advice and commands like I had seen others doing toward them, but just let them know I’m here, for anything.
So today we have this ultrasound, and with everything I see, all the articles I read, all of the loss I’ve seen this year– and like I said, I’m SO excited but a part of me can’t help but be a little negative in my mind frame to attend this ultrasound. I keep thinking, something could be wrong, her brain or her heart or her development, something has to be wrong. These are COMMON PREGNANCY FEARS but we neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr talk about it because we don’t want it to be true. I was terrified with every test and ultrasound with Camryn but everything was okay. Even after the car accident, I just had contractions more often for a couple months and then had to end up being induced because of very low amniotic fluid. That was the extent of our issues with pregnancy and childbirth. Her health was great. I thank heaven every day and never take a second with her for granted. I kiss her 22903820 times a day, carry her whenever she wants, spoil her rotten with love and nap with her almost daily. I give her all of the love and attention I can and soak up every moment.
You are not alone if you are scared. If you FEAR things being wrong or going wrong. We all think about it, over-read scary articles, over analyze so many things but we are terrified to speak to each other about it. I have to be honest and put it out there! You know I do! I am going to be strong today for both girls and my husband and have faith everything is okay 🙂 Try to avoid your newsfeed! And the news! And anything depressing while pregnant hahaha! 🙂
This is little Ellie at 16 weeks when we found out she was a girl! 🙂
And yes– our last name is spelled wrong. What’s new. Thanks for that confusing last name Mike lol 🙂