I totally lost today. I got some things done, and I even designed two albums and edited an engagement session. But in a LOT of other ways, I lost. I felt defeated, hopeless and overall sucky, but again I do realize how good I have things and what I should be grateful for…but most of today, I lost.
This morning was fine except taking $752 of the $903 we had in our account to pay bills. So depressing and we are officially spending over $3000 a month between bills and rent, NOT including groceries, gas or business expenses. We’re trying hard to play catch up and pay some debts off to avoid big debt. Then all of a sudden Cammy’s little scratchy crackling voice starting sounding WORSE than it did the day before. I took the flashlight and looked in her throat..determined even though she’s never had it that it looked like thrush (not contagious, but gross poor thing) (it’s from the damn paci that we need to get rid of) and made an appointment to see our pediatrician. Before then, I had time to squeeze by Target to her Minnie Mouse kitchen she DESPERATELY wants for her birthday. I haaaaaate holding it from her because she wants it and asks daily, which is adorable but disheartening. I walked with her on my hip…my big, pregnant hip…in the rain into Target, had to sneak the items on the bottom of the cart and then walked back out into the pouring rain, getting soaked so she could use the umbrella of course while that damn cute little kitchen slid off the bottom of the cart into the parking lot over and over. Box soaked, I’m soaked, my hair looks insane, bending down now is HARD. Feeling overwhelmed.
Took her to the doctor where she bawls her eyes out because she thinks she’s getting a shot, but she does well– and they determine it’s thrush. Pay a copay, pick up a prescription at Walgreens, go home and put the sleepy little girl on the couch while I album design. She wakes up, SCREAMING in such pain, wants to lay herself on the cold tile and scream her head off. So horrible to watch and making me feel so helpless. I finally calm her down after begging her to settle down and sit with me, I watch all these shows I can’t stand to keep her happy and then I walk outta the room for ONE second to put laundry up and bam..she slips and falls off a box she climbed on and hits her head on the floor. I run faster than a pregnant woman EVER should, grab the Dora booboo pack in the freezer and hold it on her head. Feeling like I definitely just left my sick baby unattended like an idiot where of course her sneaky butt would start to get into mischief right away — all so I could accomplish one more chore to feel less behind.
Then I have extended family issues going on that I feel like people expect me to fix and I can’t. It’s really a lot sometimes but the fact of the matter is…at least I’m telling the truth. I’m not afraid to admit when I’m having a bad day and it breaks my heart when people post “your life is perfect! you and mike are perfect!” because it’s so not true and I don’t want people to think that because I choose to be positive every day except these off days, that we have it all going on! I’m absolutely NOT afraid to admit when I did something really bad in the parenting department, either. Does anyone remember the time I blogged about not buckling her in her carseat all the way TWICE and how she fell off the bed hard at 3-4 months old? We are human and have horrible days but we do choose to love each other wildly and make our daughter the center of our world, like she should be..because I chose to bring her into it and that makes her deserving of EVERYTHING I can possibly give her sweet innocent self. More and more nowadays I am seeing a response thanking me for my honesty and that means more to me than “your life is perfect” ever could, because I would be living such a lie if I never showed the bad side…so thank you all for allowing me to tell you how bad I screwed up some days hahah!
Will I win tomorrow? I sure as heck am gonna try. It’s Cammy’s birthday weekend starting with OBX Saturday and her birthday party Sunday so I need to suck it up and be STRONG for her big celebration days!! 🙂