This is more of a rant and personal post than some probably want to see, but I know in my heart it will make a difference to someone and I sure as heck know some people that will appreciate it.
I’ve had my own struggles with weight issues, more than I wish to reveal at this time. Mike knows how hard it was for me and what I went through being 90 lbs and being almost 130 (I’m only 5 feet tall..so a little perspective, that’s really low and really high for a small person). All of it was WAY rooted back to something that really didn’t have to do with looks. It started with severe alcoholism in the house I grew up in, having to step up and take better care of my siblings than I should have been responsible for while just a middle and high schooler and then in a very ironic twist being compared to all of my friends getting into big universities and being told constantly what a failure I was in relation to their academic successes by the very person who couldn’t even go a night without slurring their words. Because, academic successes are clearly THE most important thing in life, not the well being emotionally and physically of a child. NOT.
It was hard, but it shaped a lot of who I am as a parent today. I know who I DON’T want to be. I know that I will never, ever, ever, ever, push college on my children. I went to ODU and consequently dropped out after ALMOST finishing because I couldn’t afford to stay in. I rode the public bus in Norfolk for four years, was robbed, had bikes stolen and ended up in a very dark world after some bad things happened to me during those times. Not gonna go there, but it’s part of the point I’m making. I will never compare them to people in COMPLETELY different situations and households. Am I gonna let them slide and never lift a finger to accomplish anything to benefit themselves? No! But I’ll never put this pressure on them and I’ll be damned if they ever see me so drunk I can’t speak. EVER.
So this is a little of a background for you about someone who used to be VERY sensitive about weight. There is a LOT behind it and it’s heavy stuff. On this note– let’s all STOP thinking it’s CUTE to write ridiculous things like “fat girl status!” while eating cupcakes, junk food, etc. Your friends, family, clients that are “bigger” than you…are they “fat girls” because they eat junk all day long? Is that accurate? Let’s STOP whining and whining about not being “bikini ready” because I will tell you from someone who truly appreciates the sand, the ocean, the other WORLD that the beach is made of..nobody cares about your bikini body and if they do? Guess what happens? GUESS what happens if you go out and you are not in perfect shape?
NOTHING. You just continue to live. So do the people around you. And we all keep breathing past that point. And then your career or your family life and nothing is effected by it. Like– nothing happens and the beach doesn’t care what you look like. If you’re so insecure about yourself in a bikini, maybe you should look inside of yourself and see that it’s not about looks..this world is REALLY not about looks. I used to care so much when we lived in Virginia Beach..yes..a month ago, about my clothes, my hair, did NOT wanna be caught out of the house looking crazy in case I ran into someone I knew. But what if I did? If they liked me less after seeing me in my own honest element..then that’s not someone I want to be associated with.
I look okay in a bikini but mama has got plenty of cellulite. I don’t care, anyone who has been with me to the beach can see it. I had it when I was 90 lbs too!!! Now– I’m not saying I don’t care so much to where I wouldn’t ever maybe consider a lift after having breastfed all my kids, etc..if something would make me personally happy and I really saw fit, I would consider it..but for ME, not for anyone else.
But the point is…don’t complain about society being this and that toward women, models being too skinny, etc when you’re feeding into it. Some women are NATURALLY very very thin too and I know that some of those women get tortured for their naturally thin frame being called all kinds of things. Calling yourself fat when you know you are not is definitely shaming women out there who are truly struggling and don’t deserve to feel that way. I know a lot of girls do it because they think it’s cool…but cool is SO out and being a true, genuine and fun nerd..that’s in 😉 There are some things we are all getting too sensitive about these days, I know..and you may think I’m acting that way right now and going overboard on the politically correct etiquette but really girls we have to be so mindful when it comes to stuff like this because our daughters don’t deserve to go through it. I don’t want to EVER hear Cammy or Ellie tell me they are too fat. I just want them happy and healthy and enjoying life 🙂
I know what it’s like to stand on a scale over ten times a day desperate for the already low number to go down.
I know what it’s like to find fat to pinch anywhere just to be critical of my body.
I know what it’s like to feel like the only thing in life I can control is my weight but to have such an unrealistic goal in mind when it comes to the “final” number I want to reach.
I know what it’s like to eat a “perfect” 100 calories a DAY. Yes..100.
It’s pretty heavy and sad stuff.
The new me is paler and a little bigger, but I wouldn’t trade the way I feel for anything. I believe in eating right and getting exercise, which I wish I could do more of..but keeping up with a 2 year old and 5 month old right now is definitely all the physical work I can handle! 🙂 I was pretty tan and thin when Mikey and I were engaged but I wasn’t as happy then as I am now..and that’s priceless. I’m not naturally as thin as I am in this picture, so I was working too hard to be this way unhealthily.
After Cammy I ended up weighing less than when I became pregnant with her! Nursing is HARD work and burns lots of calories!! This image below, after she was born and around 6 months..that’s the first time I REALLY felt okay with my weight and happy..but not because I weighed less, it was because of that little adorable angel beside me. I also LOVED being pregnant with both of my girls and the extra weight never bothered me! Thanks Tara Liebeck Photography for the image 🙂 And the one below where I’m pregnant with Ellie!
This is me nown.less of a tan, a definite roll there on my bikini bottom and looser skin on my stomach. Definitely bigger hips and thighs, too. What you can’t physically see is a happier, healthier and more content person with two of the sweetest girls she could ever hope for.