Being in my thirties is this insane wake up call. It’s a maturity I’ve been really far from without ever having realized it and I’m surprised at how incredibly more grown up I am, how much wiser I know I am and feel and how in tuned with myself I’ve become. I could credit a lot of this to the ebb and flow of falling into situation after situation and needing to experience all extremes of good, bad, exciting, depressing, scary, comforting, helpless, secure…but actually, it’s really just having God felt and known in my presence. That’s the main factor, He has helped me grow up in the best and most beautiful ways imaginable.
What an incredible difference the past few years have made on me, and especially the past TWO. Basically something happened to me that broke my heart, I came crawling to my friend Katelyn and told her I felt like God was missing in my life because I got to a point where I couldn’t FIX my way out of feelings anymore..I couldn’t speak angrily enough about who hurt me, I couldn’t cry it out enough, eat or exercise my way out of it, hug my kids or husband out of it…I hardly knew or connected with God at all back then but something inside of me knew I needed Him. It was a powerful, powerful experience to feel something that “unknown” but be so sure of it…more sure than all of those things I thought I was sure of before…like things I thought I LOVED and things I thought I HATED. Kind of like running.
So, I have always said I hate running. I mean…it’s running!! It exhausts me and my little five feet tall self has short legs and it’s hard, lol! I’m willing to bet there’s two to three steps I’m working on for every one Mike takes, LOL! I have always said I hated running. I have been very clear about expressing that and I never thought I would change my mind. I swore I hate running. I declared! that I hate running. So guess what I’ve been doing and loving at the gym lately?
Running. I LOVE running a good sweaty mile. I love hauling three tiny children ten miles down the road to the YMCA just so I can go on a 17 minute (hey I didn’t say I was GOOD at it yet LOLOLOL) run on a treadmill. I enjoy it and I love it and I crave to do it now! Let me repeat…I absolutely love something I declared I hated and never thought I would be on board with. What’s up with that? So now you know I either lied or I changed my mind. I was SURE that I hated it, so I’m not lying…but I felt so certain for so long that I would never love to run. The lesson I have gathered from this mini revelation recently is that things always can change. They can be different. People, situations, circumstances, every single thing can change no matter how certain you are about it — so I decided to stop thinking I had all the answers and realized that it’s not ME that’s in control, it’s not me who knows my path, my future, even what I’ll decide to like or not like tomorrow. This is all in the Lord’s hands, and it’s a part of something I’ve needed for a long time. The ability to release control and know He is the one working continually to bring me new experiences for a bigger reason is something I need to accept, not stubbornly fight against.
Here I am in my thirties just now realizing that I am not always certain about anything and it’s silly of me to think otherwise. Not just any actual thing or thought, but also about any one person. Any day or any situation. It pains me to think I was so stubborn for so long thinking I would never “do this” or “do that” and felt so adamant about things that I’ve changed my mind about. If I wasn’t so stubborn and hadn’t of marked things into “love” and “hate” categories, I probably wouldn’t have missed out on so much. I probably wouldn’t have made so many mistakes and I probably would have been a better person overall in so many ways!
You live and you learn though. The more and more I work to serve our loving and forgiving God, the more I realize open-mindness is key to living a truly beautiful life that walks in the direction Jesus paved for us. One who treats others with love and respect, one who loves people through their faults and one that gives them a chance to be forgiven. Because wouldn’t you want that for yourself, should you mess up? We can’t get grace without giving it. I’m trying, I’m trying to live and understand this within reason now. As long as I’m working toward that, I know I am doing the best I can.
Is there something you once hated that you love now? Or something you once loved that you now can’t stand? What changed? Sometimes you get stirs in your heart about things and that’s the Lord working in you to change you. Sometimes the absolute strangest things shift in our lives and lead us to bigger and better things. For me, it’s often me choosing something difficult or uncomfortable to endure or address that leads to a big sigh of relief later…it’s crazy what it takes to get to a more peaceful place sometimes, it’s not always a beautifully paved peaceful road! Sometimes it’s four wheeling and bumper cars to arrive at that destination!
I don’t hate running, I love it. Maybe I won’t like it next year all of a sudden but one thing is for sure…I can’t write that in stone. Nothing is written in stone. Now just picture me doing this and you can see how I roll at the gym 🙂