I’ve been debating for so long on whether or not to share this but then when I finally got an indication that this is truly a helpful and relatable topic with other moms, I felt like the green light was right in my face..telling me GO, it’s time to share this and don’t wait another minute.
This year was hard. Like way harder than I expected.
One part of it was the transitioning from two to three such young children. Let me tell you something, that is REALLY tricky! For me it’s not really the emotional or mental part of it, it’s the physical part. I’m nursing Autumn still and I’ve been so exhausted I can hardly stand up by the end of the day. I fell asleep at the computer more times than I want to admit and literally sometimes in the middle of an email or editing! That sounds pathetic, and it kind of was. But gosh, I am soooo tired all the time! I do feel like I can go into that topic alone in such more detail that I’ll save it for another post and day. But there is another problem I’ve had this year that’s made it truly hard.
I am having a really, really, really hard time coming to terms with the fact that physically, it’s too risky for me to ever be pregnant again and have more children…so I can’t have anymore. I can’t see those two pink lines again, I can’t feel those first kicks and hiccups. I can’t have a new child know my heartbeat from the inside and I can’t deliver another baby and kiss and smell them for the first time. I can’t be pregnant again, and I am really, really painfully suffering with a broken heart over it.
If you’ve followed any of our pregnancy journeys, you know that I have terrible morning sickness to the extreme the first trimester and then with Autumn…I was in and out of the hospital for serious issues left and right. It was a nightmare 75% of the time with her pregnancy and we so thankful that she is SUCH a sweetie because I needed some sunshine after that rain! With all of that, it’s still hard to “give up” this season of life. It’s hard to know I can’t do this again. I don’t know how else to say it, I’ve been so depressed for months and can’t seem to come to terms with it but lately I’ve just felt selfish.
When I look at this from another perspective I see me, this horribly selfish woman who wants more of what so many thousands of women can’t even have on their own. Women who are in my life who pray to become pregnant and carry a healthy baby and are struggling right now. I pray for them daily, I pray for them sometimes multiple times a day and I am trying so hard to pour my energy into that every time this selfish problem rears its ugly head. So it’s been this cycle of being sad that I can’t be pregnant again while being sad some of my friends can’t have babies and it just repeats over and over and over and I feel rotten.
I was given permission to be joyful for what I have by someone who is struggling with infertility and I truly heeded their words and took that to heart. I was given permission to be happy and love on my girls all I want because they didn’t want to see those girls get any less amount of love while I mourned their struggle and obsessed over my selfishness. This freed me from a lot of that guilt and also kind of checked me into making one big conscious decision to start thinking differently by insisting on living in the moment MORE. Really soaking those girls in.
It started with small things like turning off the TV more during the day while watching them. Watching them become more creative, talking to them more, crafts and painting and reading books. Soaking them in. Bending down to talk to them. Getting on the floor, getting on their level.
Looking into their eyes and not at a phone screen. The phone goes down out of my hand more SO much more nowadays and we love it. They’ve stopped thinking it’s an appendage of mine.
Instead of a fancy new this or that or shiny thing for Christmas..we got a $50 fire pit. We’ve used it twice already and I feel like I’m going to burst into the happiest tears when I see the way the girls look at it and giggle and sing around it with us while making s’mores.
I’m going to say THANK YOU God, thank you for these three beautiful girls!! I loved pregnancy and carrying those girls so much, and bringing them into the world so much that it just hurts sometimes to think that season is over. But it has to be over now, and it’s time to give THESE three all the love and attention I can. They certainly deserve it.
If you have this “selfish” problem, you aren’t alone. Some of us experience a really emotional connection tied in with pregnancy that makes it hard to close that chapter of our lives. Some people don’t enjoy that at all and are SO comfortable with saying, we’re done! I know we’re done, I just have to get used to that now. Thank you to all who have been so supportive over the years while we grew these girls. We are endlessly grateful for your love!!
Andddd maybe when the baby fever hits again I’ll just get a puppy. A girl, of course 🙂