I’m so sorry I yelled earlier.
I didn’t mean to yell again, I’m so sorry honey.
Mike…I am so sick of yelling.
LOUD, angry, snappy yelling. Mean comments. Cuts, burns, digs. At my own little kids. How does it come to this sometimes?
For about a month I’ve been doing great…however, if you saw me earlier this year… up until probably a month or so ago…I wasn’t doing great. I was exactly who I didn’t want to be. The snappy mom. The impatient mom. The “why are you bothering me” mom. The distracted, uninvolved, backed-up-on-work and stressed out mom.
I didn’t want to be her, but I was. I’m thankful for one thing in this entire situation…I can acknowledge that honestly today and I sure as hell learned a lesson from it that will STICK, and that I will never forget. I will be better to them forever because of this. I will probably flip out inevitably again some day (hello, count it…that’s three daughters buddy! I’ll be yelling again someday! HA!) but for now, no. No more of that.
So it’s a season of yells and snapping at the girls, followed by immediate guilt. Gut wrenching, heart breaking, slither to the floor crying later on because I am the world’s suckiest mom guilt.
Have you been there? Tell me I’m not alone!
But wait..I know I’m not. Because so many of you have told me this. We are all prone to go through a hard season or two, right? Mine was postpartum with three young kids. Around May…I kind of lost it. I kind of became consumed by motherhood’s challenges because of the age factor, three kids four and under…it was ROUGH. And I mean rough rough rough. The painful recovery and torn incision did not help. It was a nightmare. I couldn’t laugh, sneeze or cry without being in extreme pain. I physically couldn’t meet the demands of the two youngest needing to be carried at certain times and it made them so angry sometimes.
I was slipping away and I needed an intervention, I needed Jesus.
Please don’t get me wrong…we didn’t spend 24 hours a day hating each other. I wasn’t yelling EVERY day…but it was most days I would have at least one episode of “just having it” with them arguing or being unreasonable with requests and tasks they should be on board with at their ages. We had a WONDERFUL year in so many ways! But… when it was bad, it was bad. Yelling was the biggest factor in this.
My biggest mistake was taking almost four months off from the gym when we bought our house…NOOOOO no no don’t EVER take something away from yourself if you’re struggling as a mother! I needed those classes, that Yoga, that treadmill…I needed that QUIET TIME. I needed something to continue to belong to me alone and I left it behind because we were busy and I didn’t know if I could afford it with the new mortgage.
That was a season of life I chose to leave behind during my five year old’s birthday week. Enough Amanda, enough of the yelling. It doesn’t make anyone happier. Not me, not them. The purpose in yelling actually serves nothing. I used to say it made me “feel better” to yell but that’s the damnedest lie I’ve ever heard! Yelling is a learned response to feelings of dissatisfaction. And what a HORRIBLE response! If I yell at my kids, will they listen better? Or will they just hurt? Will they resent me? Will they start a tiny revolt and rise up (I’M OUTNUMBERED…LOL!) against me?! I know we will all yell at some point, but we can NOT make a habit out of it. Yelling makes me hate myself and I don’t want to be a mom that yells. I can’t let them remember me this way, so tomorrow I will continue to stop yelling at them and get on their level, try to reason and if not…time out it is.
Now you know I yell, too..and you aren’t a bad mom if you do. We’re learning. Let’s just keep trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing together in a way that makes us feel less guilty and leaves them with great examples of how to react to emotional situations. Have you ever seen a grown person who just goes off in a minor situation? Like at the grocery store or post office and treats someone irrationally over a small thing? Let’s not BE or RAISE those people! We can do this, we’re MADE for this, mamas! Don’t be afraid to read more books about losing your temper and access resources to help you really understand how to channel your anger into a more positive reaction, for the both of you. For me, Jesus Calling and journaling really helps! Goal setting with Lara Casey’s Powersheets is also helpful because controlling my temper and reactions is a goal I will have to intentionally work through in detail, attach purpose and meaning to and therefore it will be more of a reality for me to achieve.
Happy New Year to you, and I hope you had the best holidays with your family! 🙂