I am finding that I’m literally growing as a mother with all of our clients, colleagues and absolutely incredible blog and social media followers. I came to you all as a pregnant brand new business owner who started her business and family the same year. It was scary, it was SO full of what-ifs and “can we do this!?” a million times a month and you were there. We are SO beyond thankful for that.
Whenever something tough with parenting comes up, I feel like I’m in a new world. A new challenge. A new season of life..for instance, one I’ve been talking about with friends lately is how much my world is about to change when Cammy begins Kindergarten later this year. The way I’ve run and built my business over the past six years is going to have to CHANGE… and that’s scary to me. I’ve always had kids at home with me and run everything around that. It’s been easy (you know, not EASY but easy schedule wise) because we’ve only had to work around ballet classes. Life is changing all the time and there have been so many times that wisdom and kind, genuine advice has come our way via our readers and today we’re hoping for some help from you!
Last night, Cammy got in bed with me. It had been a long day full of her sister being sick, we were mostly being cheerful and going about our day, we got some flowers and plants for her, we tried to stay positive. All of a sudden while we were cuddling, she looked up at me and started BAWLING. I can hardly write it without losing it myself now, because it was just so terrible to hear her say this. She said:
“Mommy, I don’t want you to go to heaven before me. I don’t want to ever go a day without seeing your beautiful face. I don’t know what I would do without you. Will Daddy still be here when you go to heaven? What if you die of a heart attack of cancer? I want to be in the same gravestone with you.”
WOW. I was just laying down to get a little rest after none stop moving all day. And then this happens.
I mean…this killed me, sorry for the bad choice of words but it ached. It PHYSICALLY ached. And instead of being strong for her, I started BAWLING. I mean, hearing her say that hurt me because I think about that stuff, too! I tried to pull it together as fast as I could but I was definitely still crying. I told her what I thought about Heaven and being called home by God and did my best but honestly, it caught me so off guard I was having a hard time. I’m pretty sure I mentioning something about endless glitter and flower fields to pick eternally in Heaven, haha..I was just like oh my GOSH what do I say right now?! I think if my head would have been more clear, and I had been more prepared, it would have been easier. But…it hurt, and I was sad, and I was not prepared.
So for a five year old, how do you explain this?! I hold the same fear as she does. I panic at the thought of me not being here for them. It’s a fear I’ve suffered with since the day Cammy was born. Sometimes it goes into straight up anxiety attack and I’ve had to work through it with prayer the past couple of years, which has helped immensely.
Does anyone have a great resource or way to help this conversation be more CALMING and reassuring than depressing? I hate to admit when I need help but this is one of those times. I’m new at all of these stages that Cammy is entering, our little guinea pig…always teaching us how to be better parents and people.
We definitely appreciate your advice, but please remember to be kind! We do believe in God so we want to remember to keep that the core of the conversation. Any books, websites or other kinds of resources are welcome!
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