The Saddest Conversation | New Mom Series

I am finding that I’m literally growing as a mother with all of our clients, colleagues and absolutely incredible blog and social media followers. I came to you all as a pregnant brand new business owner who started her business and family the same year. It was scary, it was SO full of what-ifs and “can we do this!?” a million times a month and you were there. We are SO beyond thankful for that.

Whenever something tough with parenting comes up, I feel like I’m in a new world. A new challenge. A new season of life..for instance, one I’ve been talking about with friends lately is how much my world is about to change when Cammy begins Kindergarten later this year. The way I’ve run and built my business over the past six years is going to have to CHANGE… and that’s scary to me. I’ve always had kids at home with me and run everything around that. It’s been easy (you know, not EASY but easy schedule wise) because we’ve only had to work around ballet classes. Life is changing all the time and there have been so many times that wisdom and kind, genuine advice has come our way via our readers and today we’re hoping for some help from you!

Last night, Cammy got in bed with me. It had been a long day full of her sister being sick, we were mostly being cheerful and going about our day, we got some flowers and plants for her, we tried to stay positive. All of a sudden while we were cuddling, she looked up at me and started BAWLING. I can hardly write it without losing it myself now, because it was just so terrible to hear her say this. She said:

“Mommy, I don’t want you to go to heaven before me. I don’t want to ever go a day without seeing your beautiful face. I don’t know what I would do without you. Will Daddy still be here when you go to heaven? What if you die of a heart attack of cancer? I want to be in the same gravestone with you.”

WOW. I was just laying down to get a little rest after none stop moving all day. And then this happens.

I mean…this killed me, sorry for the bad choice of words but it ached. It PHYSICALLY ached. And instead of being strong for her, I started BAWLING. I mean, hearing her say that hurt me because I think about that stuff, too! I tried to pull it together as fast as I could but I was definitely still crying. I told her what I thought about Heaven and being called home by God and did my best but honestly, it caught me so off guard I was having a hard time. I’m pretty sure I mentioning something about endless glitter and flower fields to pick eternally in Heaven, haha..I was just like oh my GOSH what do I say right now?! I think if my head would have been more clear, and I had been more prepared, it would have been easier. But…it hurt, and I was sad, and I was not prepared.

So for a five year old, how do you explain this?! I hold the same fear as she does. I panic at the thought of me not being here for them. It’s a fear I’ve suffered with since the day Cammy was born. Sometimes it goes into straight up anxiety attack and I’ve had to work through it with prayer the past couple of years, which has helped immensely.

Does anyone have a great resource or way to help this conversation be more CALMING and reassuring than depressing? I hate to admit when I need help but this is one of those times. I’m new at all of these stages that Cammy is entering, our little guinea pig…always teaching us how to be better parents and people.

We definitely appreciate your advice, but please remember to be kind! We do believe in God so we want to remember to keep that the core of the conversation. Any books, websites or other kinds of resources are welcome!

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xoxo,
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8 thoughts on “The Saddest Conversation | New Mom Series

  1. I remember as a little girl going through this exact thing. I remember crying myself to sleep fearing I would lose my mom. My middle daughter has gone through something similar just recently. I love how you encouraged her about heaven. I know for my little one I did the same and then shared with her that we are all sons and daughters and God knows exactly what we need and he will always take care of us. Even when we are scared and it seems like we are alone, God is always there. My daughter seems to worry a lot so I shared this with her and then we moved on from the conversation. And whenever those fears and worries come up I gently remind her that God is always there and he will always take care of us. I definitely feel ya. These are hard conversations but you are doing a good job. 💕

  2. Any time my kids have asked me questions like that I always get to the root of why they are asking it first (something happen in their lives or see something on tv etc). Figure out what kind of information they are really looking for so I don’t over share and most importantly be honest but like I said only answer the question they are asking, if you’re not giving enough information they will keep asking questions. We’ve had this question before. It’s her age and the fact that she is just starting to grasp the real meaning of death and it’s permanence. And it’s ok to cry when your girls ask you that kind of stuff. Mason was like 7 when he asked me where babies come from. He wanted to know where they physically come from and thought a Doctor took a chain saw or something equally gruesome to remove the baby from the mother. I told him that wasn’t the case, even in a csection. He then pressed more until I gave him the A&P answer. I also made sure to tell them that their friends don’t have this information and that their parents may not be ready to talk about that with their own kids. He took a moment to point and laugh at his sister but neither of them have ever said anything to their friends about it .

  3. As a mama with similar aged kids, I definitely am following along with this. I find this part of parenting to be the HARDEST part so far, and have no good advice- we also stressed heaven when our almost 5 year old asked what dying meant one day, and it has been a really hard thing for me to do know how to address. Hugs mama.

  4. Amanda, this is a conversation I have with my kids daily. My husband passed away suddenly in June from cancer we all didn’t know he had. I was 9 weeks pregnant with my 4th boy when my husband was called home to GOD. My boys are 7 4 2 and now I have a 2 month old. I tell them on a daily that our life is not our plan. We can plan as much as we like but GOD is the one who has control. He isn’t being vicious when he decides it’s time for someone to come home, even though it hurts us deeply that we lost someone so important in our life. GOD has bigger plans for them and for us. We all eventually will die bc it is a part of life but we can’t live in fear because we will miss all the beautiful things we have yet to experience whith our time on earth. I find that honesty is always best especially in these kinds of conversations with our children. Maybe talking with your pastor would be helpful.

  5. We have talked about this with both of our kids many times. We try to reassure them that we do not have plans to leave them anytime soon. When we prepared our wills we discussed it with them (more with our son because he’s older) about who would be taking care of them etc. After the deaths of grandparents we have had open discussions about seeing them in heaven and how they are still around even if you can’t see them. I know this prob doesn’t help but truly there is not a right or wrong way to answer them, just hug them and reassure them that you aren’t planning on leaving anytime soon.

  6. Our sweet and anxious little James is 5 and has been asking us all of these questions. My mom told me that around this age their little brains start to comprehend reality a little more and so it’s normal for them to be asking those questions. I have to admit though, that sometimes his questions are so deep that I don’t even know all of the answers! So I’ve just mostly started answering his questions by talking about faith. “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11) Even though we can’t see heaven or God we have faith so we can be sure of the hope that we have in heaven. I also remind him that we know that God is good and he loves us so whatever plans he has for us are for our good.”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. I hope that those verses give him confidence even when I don’t have all of the answers for all of his questions!

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