This season. I am currently existing as 90% shell of human and 10% living human. Ever since the hurricane weekend, things have been such a whirlwind and we’ve been having the most incredible sessions and weddings and loving our business but it’s the laundry, the dishes, the upkeep of life that is currently bogging us down. Our washer isn’t working and as a mom of three kids, that’s just not fun. Our dryer keeps turning off and we have to reset the breaker…so that’s not fun either. We keep running out of groceries and I dread taking all three kids to the store alone and we only get a handful of hours with Mike when he’s home from work since he’s a commuter…making our weekends SO valuable to us…but they seem to rush by, too. Lately they seem to be filled with only chores and I forget what it’s like to sit down. Literally, just sit down for a minute. To read, to think, to rest. This happens every year…we’re pushing through our THICK season but we’re at the tail end and we see the light at the end of the tunnel come mid-November.
We have a million systems in place. We have to do lists that right now are keeping us alive, systems I’ve worked on for years. I can tell you right now that having organization like this when things get inevitably crazy is CRUCIAL for running a business and having a family! When we go to shoot a wedding, we open our 60 item wedding equipment checklist and without it, we’d be WAY worse off right now. But…even with all of the organization, life catches up to you sometimes and instead of staying ahead…you fall right at pace or even behind. I hate being behind. It’s against my nature and it plagues me constantly. My behind probably doesn’t look like most people’s behind, because I only have to be slightly behind to feel like I’m solar systems away from my goal…Type A dramatic feelings happening all over the place, haha! But I also know that my health suffers when I don’t slow down and lately, I’ve been yelling at the girls. I know, we all do it at some point, but I do not like being this mom. I have no patience. I’m extremely frustrated and I know it’s effecting them and yesterday I finally had it with myself and how terrible I sounded and I decided to chill out. Especially when Ellie started yelling just like me and mimicking me. It was a huge wake up call to hear her shouting out of nowhere saying “I’m MAD! Stop it! Stop fighting!!!” and no one was fighting…that’s just something I had been saying over and over daily for the past week. These girls are little but they really duke it out and normally I can be a great mediator but lately, I just gave up. The guilt has set in and Mike spent two days calling me with a worried tone in his voice on every break from work. He knew I was about to break.
So this morning, I woke up about an hour early and laid in bed. I prayed. I just said Lord please help me become the mom I want to be. Please give my girls a better example of love and patience and give them what they deserve. Show me how to breathe when I’m gasping for air, show me how to remember every single time to pause before shouting. I didn’t come this far to become a mom that I don’t want to be…and my life’s purpose is to be GOOD to the people that I love and let them know they will never have to feel like they can’t come to me for any reason.
It’s still early but saying to myself over and over this verse has helped me so much already. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
So, He loves me regardless. He loves me even when I don’t love myself and that’s how I’ve felt for days. I feel like I’m letting my children down because I feel like I can never fault but I just forgot about myself for a minute… I didn’t take care of myself and I definitely know better than that! I spent a good chunk of time last night working quietly, taking a shower and I even remembered to take my freaking makeup off BEFORE going to bed, even made sure to use nice lotion on my face, neck and feet because gosh sometimes it is truly survival mode with three little ones and I don’t get to do these things! But, because I put myself first for a small period of time, I woke up rejuvenated. I woke up PRAYING…where has that been the past week?! I should never forget what comes first and what feeds my soul the best. Thank you Lord for letting me wake up new this morning.
When you find yourself in this slump, whether it’s being burned out, yelling more often than usual…just out of character for who you are and who you want to be:
1. Pray – find that intentional quiet time, journal and use a devotional and you’ll be surprised how that can light a fire in your heart to do better
2. Sleep more, rest is SO important and crucial to physical and emotional health
3. Eat well, don’t skip or wait until you’re hungry and depend on fast food
4. Talk to someone you love, get it out, and then leave it there – I try not to continually rant about the same stress over and over but rather get it out one good time, although sometimes I keep dragging it on…I try my best not to
5. Do something that you love that’s NOT work related
6. Buy and get excited about a new good book
7. Declutter your home, or one room at a time. It may surprise you how much cleaning up and getting rid of things you don’t need will make you feel!