On The Floor | Personal

I hate writing this because it’s embarrassing but I think that’s something I take a lot of pride in when it comes to my blogging, I have to be honest. I have to put it out there even if it makes someone go “oh my gosh what a weirdo!” or “what a weak person!” because I’m not trying to impress anyone. With my work? YES, I’m trying to impress others, myself..but mostly just capture moments and memories forever to be passed along. With my blogging…I am trying to connect all of us through our highs, our lows, our strengths we share and our weaknesses. This one is about weakness.

I just started to melt tonight. I melted fast fast fast sitting on my couch backing up these images tonight. I put my heart and soul into every wedding because I don’t care WHAT is going on, I will smile and rock it out because it’s quite literally in my nature to enjoy my job while it’s happening..but answering emails tonight– it was lost. My mind— I completely lost it. I started crying at first..and then I started getting angry because it was 12:30 and Cammy wouldn’t sleep. She wants her mommy to tuck her in bed and lay with her, to give her attention after being gone 13 hours and instead… I chose emails. I just felt like I had to. 

I’m a business but I’m also one human running it. Not a corporate business that has lots of employees, not a corporate business that has tons of money to spend. Very simply put, I am a 5 foot tall mother of two little girls who is doing her best..and tonight I reached the point I didn’t want to reach this year. I burnt out.

I laid on the floor screaming and crying at the same time by my front door threatening to go get a hotel room just for peace and quiet and to get away to get work done..without going to sleep tonight. I screamed and cried, like a crazy person. Cammy, Mike and Ellie all ran over to me and sat next to me, on the floor, next to the front door as I melted down and lost my sanity. And instead of judging me, they asked me to stay and be happy and calm down. Cammy hugged me. Mike told me to breathe. Ellie just kind of sat there looking cute and chubby.

I calmed down. And I’m writing this now before bed because I NEED TO WRITE IT because you have been through this too at some point, haven’t you? It’s not all rainbows and butterflies and I will always admit that. So– if you melt down and cry, or need to drop to the floor because you’re so burnt out and overwhelmed, just know I’ve been there with you, too.

There is a video below of the tiny amount of joy and bonding time I got tonight when I got home. Life is so fleeting and these moments are gone in a flash..and I need to be a good mother, too– so if I am not the quickest business owner, or the best photographer, but I’m giving it all I have..then I am doing my very best. I promise you if you’re not already a parent now, when you hold that baby in your arms and lay eyes on them for the first time..you’ll get why I need to get healthy and be the best version on myself for these deserving girls. Thank you SO much to the selfless friends of mine who never guilt me for not being able to be always present and always support me, and know me well enough to know I give everyone everything I have as long as it’s there..and to my brides and grooms who are endlessly supportive of me! It’s rare I get to a point of stress this way but I like to admit I’m human. I’ll pick up the pieces tomorrow morning when I wake up, take my little girl to her first real dentist appointment, buy her first ballet leotard and Skype with a potential bride in another country who has been THE kindest thing to me I could ever hope for! Happy Monday– don’t MELT like me hahahah! 🙂

Before the video..here is an image from a couple of weeks ago in Rodanthe on a rare Saturday off with the family! I need people to know that I’m not turning down Saturday and Sunday sessions because I’m lazy..or mean or anything like that.. but these little girls won’t be little for long. I can’t choose to leave them any more than I already am and they need time with both of us, both parents at the same time. It was one of the hardest decisions to make for my business, but I will never forget this amazing day we all had together from breakfast on the beach to finding awesome sea glass in the remote area here on Hatteras Island. Thank you to all of the people who understand and work with me on this! You don’t know what you’re doing for these baby girls!! 🙂

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Brandy says:

    Amanda do not feel bad, I think as working mothers we all break down at least once a year, if not more. There will always come a day when everything is due, and you have to be mommy and you have to be a wife. Just know that if you have more good days than those days, you are doing something right. Amanda you rock at your job and your two girls have the best mommy for them, no one else could do it better.

  2. Elle Meredith says:

    Love this Amanda. Thanks for being real 🙂

  3. Thank you for being real Amanda! Lots of us photographers and wedding vendors are definitely feeling that way this time of year! Please know that you aren’t alone either. <3 And you're DEFINITELY doing the BEST thing for your girls by guarding your time with them! Hang in there! We will all be itching for spring to roll back around right after Christmas. 🙂

  4. brittjwill says:

    First let me say I TOTALLY understand. I do not have children and I don’t own my own business but I do get it. I have these moments myself, there have been times where I have went and gotten that hotel room because I just needed a mental break from it ALL. Thankfully Malcolm (much like Mike) totally understands & knows how to be supportive without suffocating me when I just need a little space. I blogged about this last week but people like us have it hard, all we want is to be the best at EVERYTHING that we do and realistically that isn’t possible. Coming from a client standpoint you are a GREAT business owner! I can’t tell you enough how our decision to choose you was the best that we made related to our wedding. Amanda you are SO awesome and undoubtedly your clients appreciate and definitely see all that you do to make us feel so individually special. You are being hard on yourself, we will all have these days (I have them ALL the time, I quit school weekly! LOL)! I realize I a tad bit late but I hope things are better. Coming from a friend (twinssss!) point of view you are amazing at all that you do. So kind and sweet, a great Mom and your ability to balance is admirable! Pick yourself up and keep pushing, in the words of your girl Taylor “shake it off”….& I am always around for a venting session because I do really understand. =] XO!

  5. I completely understand and taking it a step further, I can empathize with you too. I’ve suffered from the “burned out” status that can and will blindside us in our haste to make sure our family is comfortable, safe, happy and taken care of while, at the same time, giving the same degree of attention to our clients. Its is around the clock work and effort to be there for everyone. It’s also satisfying too…until you have given yourself out completely. Then the burn out hits and you feel as if you are drained, have nothing left to give and so on… The good news? It does go away and the feel good stuff will find its way back. I sincerely hope you are feeling better by the time you read this and if you need an outing, I’m here. Let’s go! We can talk for what will seem like days…even if it’s only an hour or two. I live very close to a playground. Bring the girls…it will be fun.

  6. Just dropping by to say you’re wonderful and the world is so much better for having you in it!

    Hugs, M & C

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