Last Friday, I posted one of the most intense and statistically successful blogs I have EVER posted…I couldn’t even believe the support. So many views, so many emails and positive comments. SO much positivity. Then..a crushing blow, an email from my best friend saying she never wanted to speak to me again. “Okay” — I thought..I guess it’s time to put on the Taylor and Shake It Off as best I can..but it still put a little of a damper on the weekend.
Then Saturday night I finally get a little mama time and get to see my friend Katie for a drink and dinner around the corner at Trio. I get home, get in my car, go grocery shopping and talk to Mike to hear that Ellie has a fever, again. And this time, it ended up being higher so off to the ER we go for the second time in two weeks for her. She had such a violent reaction to the medicine that Mike and Cammy had to drive up there and bring us both a change of clothes..it was so scary. Just a bad night.
We didn’t go to sleep until 4am. It was an OFF day big time, and something felt off the entire time beyond the sick baby and other blows. Sunday morning we all woke up really late, around 10, because we were exhausted. I just…….couldn’t get off the couch. I couldn’t get up. I told Mike, “Hey , I’m really sorry but can you just make me a water? And breakfast? And can you bring everything to me? I can’t get up..I just don’t feel like it.” — Not completely typical for me. Something felt off.
I know why now. My brother was dying then, slipping away thanks to the horrible drug, heroin. I remember getting in the shower in the afternoon finally, telling myself to perk up and seize the day. I sat down to create the online pricing guide for Skype Mentoring Sessions and got the text from my sister on the Mac, “Tony’s dead”. We knew this day would come but he hoped for better. We wanted him to live and be with his son and make a good life for himself. We wanted him to stop the back and forth drug use. And instead, my poor grandma who has been through more than ANY person I know had to find him like that in the bathroom at her home.
Drugs are so incredibly terrible. They’re so dark, dirty and scary. They’re a nightmare for EVERYONE involved. In 2009, I had one of the best bosses I could ever have hoped for when I was a medical biller at a Gastroenterology office…and she saw me melt down when my brother almost died and was hospitalized for overdosing again. She told me something I needed to hear in her office that day and told me that I had to let him go. I HAD to let him go because if I didn’t..the quality of my life would always suffer. People like this continue to take their family members on a roller coaster ride..giving them false hope and then pulling them back down too fast and when they’re not ready. He will continue to lie and use. And one day, he would die.
And now he’s gone. I know I want to write a blog post honoring him soon, I do..but right now I’m SO mad. I’m mad and sick to my stomach with visuals of how this must have looked. And of my grandma seeing him. She put up with this for so long…and he had only been out of jail for four days. His status was “I feel like a million bucks!” last Wednesday. I’m thinking right now of his son and his son’s mother, my mom and especially my grandma who kept him alive for this long.
If you are doing drugs or know someone doing them..just tell them you love them anyway, even if you’re SO MAD you can’t stand it. Even if they lie, steal, do awful things. I just don’t know if he knew that I loved him, but I did so much. We hadn’t talked for a year because I was so scared to have my daughters around that version of him.. and last month I told Mike I was thinking about going to see him in jail because “one day something could happen and I wanted to make sure he knew I cared” — and now it’s too late, and I never got the chance. And I will just have to live with that forever.
I wish all of my posts could end happy..this one is so rough, I know. I will do everything I can to turn this really unfortunate life situation into something positive and into a great lesson to share and blog about occasionally…and I will find a way to honor him, but right now I’m just so angry and so disappointed.
Regarding the incredible donations for the cremation, funeral expenses & obituary..thank you friends and industry colleagues so incredibly much for pulling together what you did and for those who went to the Go Fund Me site, too– seriously. Seriously. I just went through and read all the names and I just can’t even believe it. We certainly don’t deserve all of this. I can’t even say thank you enough because we didn’t expect that at all. It does make things easier and it means the world to us. THANK YOU. THANK YOU!!!